The Fast and The Furious: Review

Fast and Furious 5, or whatever they are calling it, is coming out later this month. In honor of Universal’s persistence and dedication to keeping this decade-old– should have been stopped after the sequel– franchise alive, I will be watching the first four movies. This is a car blog after all and maybe I can learn something about cars along the way.

That said, here is my take on the original: The Fast and The Furious (2001)

With a 52% rotten rate on RottenTomatoes.com, I wasn’t expecting much for my second viewing of The Fast and the Furious. It has been almost a decade since the last time I watched this all the way back to my junior high days, when people actually went to see movies.

Within the first two minutes of the movie, a car drives under a 18-wheeler– possible? No. I have a strong idea to end my Furious Four Film festival right then, but this is part of my job, so I keep watching.

Paul Walker, the guy who is not Vin Diesel, needs NOS. His car topped out at 140 mph, so he needs NOS. And he needs NOS now. Without NOS, who knows what would happen? But as Harry, his fake boss at the car store, says he could blow himself to smithereens, which would make the movie a lot shorter than its 106 minute run time.

The dialogue is bad, the plot stretches reality to the limit, there are incredible plot flaws as it relates to time, lighting and space, and lastly the characters are tremendous (only kidding).

Perhaps the highlight of the film is the nonsensical drag race between Walker and Diesel after all the drama has been settled. Maybe it’s a metaphor of old muscle versus new modification that I am somehow missing, but if it is, then I am willing to live in the dark. Forever. During the race, they jump train tracks just before the train comes barreling through, only to have Diesel crash into a Semi and send him and the car hurdling through the air.

The cars are cool. The driving scenes are entertaining, but for the most part, The Fast and the Furious is too over the top to even do a decent job of teaching me anything worthwhile about the car community or cars themselves, except:

1. You need NOS.
2. NOS is dangerous.
3. People love watching street racing and closing off busy streets with their cars.
4. It is easier to see who wins a race, if all the cars are different colors.
5. According to Diesel, Walker should have double-clutched rather than granny shifting.
6. It doesn’t matter, whether you win by an inch or a mile, winning is winning. True. Just like this is a bad movie, by a mile.
7. Vin Diesel can outrun a police car on foot, probably because it doesn’t have NOS.
8. Johnny Tran does not have a respect for finely tuned vehicles. Although, he does like to shoot them up.
9. If you want time, find a magazine.
10. Even the cops are Hollywood in Hollywood.
11. Race Wars is the place to make a statement.
12. Vin Diesel likes getting kissed on the back of the head by other men.
13. Cars don’t run on hopes and dreams.
14. Vin Diesel, or whatever his name is in the movie, watched his dad burn to death.
15. Vin Diesel lives his life a quarter mile at a time, nothing else matters. For those 10 seconds, he is free.
16. NOS is very important.
17. A car is only going fast when the tires burn out and you drift on turns.
18. People still wrote directions down on paper in 2001.
19. Everyone carries around exactly $2000 wrapped in a rubber band.
20. You should not drive a car without a spoiler.
21. Truckers carry sawed-off shotguns.
22. You need to have a painted emblem on the side of your car. It can be anything really. Be creative.
23. Despite Paul Walker making it look easy, jumping from moving car to car might be a little more difficult than it looked.
24. When driving, a boost of NOS provides a similar effect as you may experience when the Millennium Falcon boosts into light speed.
25. For having never driven his father’s car before, Vin Diesel can handle it as if he’s driven it his whole life.
26. Never watch this movie again.
27. Get NOS.